Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Writting this entry while sitting alone under my blk, hungry, thirsty and with insane pain in my heart and neck. I have just been chased out of my house.

In my whole life, i have been leading a very simple life. I dun come frm a rich family, not even well to do. My father was a bus driver who only brings home 1000plus every month to support a family of 4 and my mum was a full time house wife. Being brought up in this background, i have learnt to appreciate many things in life.i wasnt complaining at all.

Years later, after quarrels and quarrels, arguments after arguments, it came to a point that my parents couldnt live together anymore and a divorce came right after that. I was devastated as i was only 14 back den and i even had to attend court hearings. I didnt complain either and i pushed myself on and i know life goes on. It was when my mother had to start working and i learnt to be independant.

Everyday after school, i would hang out with my frens and even after that when i reach home, there will still be no one at home. My brother was in army and my mum works in 7-11, so i have to prepare my own dinner and watch the tv alone. Honestly, i felt lonely. But again, i didnt complain.

I started to work part time at the age of 15. I began to realise that living in singapore wasnt easy and worse with a single parent supporting the whole family. So i worked almost everyday after school and began supporting my own expenses. And again, i didnt complain at all, it was to me, a learning journey to be independant.

3 yrs later, the divorce finally came in and we had to move out frm a 4 rm flat to a rented 2 rm in amk. I had graduated frm sec sch back den and was working full time while waiting for ns. I would travel all the way frm my workplace to the new amk flat and paint, drill, screw and do wadever to make it look nice everyday. My brother was busy with uni and mum was busy with work so i had to do everything myself. And again, i didnt complain because it was somewhat my home.

And den i went on to serve my national service and studied at mdis to get my diploma.

Yrs later, i got into contact with thyroid cancer. My life crashed. My gf of 9 months also left me at the very same time. I was in property and had some savings but it all went into the hospital bills. I didnt get any frm my mum because she didnt had much savings also. I pushed on and finally survive thru it.

Today, i found myself a stable job in cimb bank. Although im just a credit card officer, but i have managed to prove myself and i can fetch home on an average 3-4k a month. However, the cancer is back for more. After 2 major operations, i now have a 5 digit bill to clear. The love of my life left me and my mum stressed me hard on giving her money.

It has come to a point that i really cant see where my next step is anymore. Even during my lowest point in life, ppl are giving me pressure. I can be independant but i do need company at times. My bday is coming and 2 days After tat i will be stepping in to the ot again.

Tell me ppl, is it time to give up? Should i still fight on? I am really confused.

Monday, May 9, 2011

After a hard day work today and many things that have happened recently, i have decided to write this post. I think its the best way to express my thoughts.

Many ppl didnt know that i was suffering frm cancer. Everyone see me smile and laugh everyday but didnt know how i rly feel every night before i go to slp, not knowing whether i can see the world again once i close my eyes. It was a tough battle. And i believe i have alr conquered half of it. Many ppl have been giving me advice on this, telling me nt to give up and to fight. But i will always ask them this qns, wad if you are the one? Can you take it and fight it so easily? Do u know the pain and fear? What have u gone thru to have the rights to reprimand me? The stress of handline a 5 digit hosp bill? In the end, it only comes to the point that, only i can help myself by living everyday as if it is my last. And nt giving up on any chance to be able to survive for another day.

Recently, i finally made up my mind and stepped into the operation theatre, unsure of the outcome. It turns out pretty successful except for the part tat my artery tore and lost almost 35% of my blood. Juggling a broken heart, a physical wound, i was stressed to work even thou i was on mc. Everyday i tell myself, jian ping, its time to pick urself up and show others wad u are made of. However, just when all the positivity hits me, the operation wasnt the end of my cancer life. I was told after a thorough ct scan that there seems to be another tumour in my brain. Chances that i have to step into the ot again is at least a 70% unless chemo works well within these few days. After i got to know about this, i broke down. I blamed god for putting all these on me, even after i fight thru the first 1. But after days of thinking, i realise this is just another obstacle of my life and i believe if i can overcome this, i can overcome anything in the future that comes in my way. I decided to fight. And 25thnmay will be the deciding day.

Failed r/s, health prob, work stress. Do i deserve everything to come on me tgt at once? I dun, and nobody do. Its nt my fault, its nobodys fault. Life is unfair, but its time to make it fair for myself.

If you rly know me, you will know that i put in my 101% for the things i wanna achieve in life, regardless whether is it work, r/s or anything else. Coming frm a broken family, i have learned that if theres no faith and commitment, dun even attempt to step into 1. Therefore everytime i decide on smth, i make sure it works and i make sure i give my all. Which is y it took me so long to get a job also.im not choosy, its just that i dun just go with the flow.

Ppl makes mistake. Infact everyone makes mistakes everyday. Its nt about making how many mistakes but learning from how many mistakes. Frm now on, im gg to accept every mistakes i make and learn from it.

I have my good points and of cos my bad ones. And i always believe that we should be grateful to whoever who treats us good. But im the kind who treats someone who treats me like shit nice. I dun see the point of having an enemy. I have never hated anyone in my life. Because i believe everything and everyone exist for a reason. But that is also probably 1 of the reason y many ppl are taking advantage of me. Im not a saint but i rly just want the ppl around me to be happy.

This is nt an emo post but more like a self reflection for myself, to remind me of wad conclusion and decision that i have come to. I will not give up on my life and i will not give up on anything that i wanna achieve. Failures are unavoildable but without perseverence, there are no success. Good luck to me and good night to everyone.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Im bloody sick yet blogging. Lol. No choice ah cnnt slp anymore.

Im down with a fever, sore throat and this very irritating bloody painful swollen gum. tsk. make me feel like cutting it off. I NEED TO RECOVER BY TMR, because i wanna meet my cute, sweet and wonderful GF for breakfast. And most importantly, make the 2nd LOVE bento for her. HEHEHE.

Life hasnt been great, in fact it was too stress to handle. Ridiculous workload and limited amount of rest.

The only day to look forward to every week is Friday, When i get my happy pill, i laugh, enjoy, fall in love again and again. Things are looking great between us. I feel as if I can know what she is thinking and she always knows what i am thinking. A 2 =1 feeling. HEHEHE. loves it, loves her.

ANW, im not going to temple next sat anymore. Its been 4 sessions yet nth seems to progress. Utter waste of time. I shall leave it to the young generation. Good luck.

Monday, March 29, 2010

The most anticipated update of the year

Alright, time to really sit down and blog after a long break since the last post.

Many things happened, my life was like a roller coaster ride, thrilling but scary. However, every single thing that happened and every single decision i made was with no obligations and zero regrets.

Firstly, I decided to step into the property line which not many would. Its a risky step to take but it might also be the step to success. It all depends on the amount of effort I put into it. I am working hard on this.

Secondly, life hasn't been as exciting as before. Friends enlisting into NS, hectic schedules and the lack of strength for extra recreation everyday. Hopefully things will get better in time to come.

The last and most important thing in my life is none other then my cheerful, beautiful, caring princess. She is like the core of my life. Giving me moral support, encouragements and care that is totally indescribable, in a good way of cos. Well I cant say that we don't have any arguments, but we learn even more about each other after every arguments. Its not something anyone can do, and I respect her for her maturity and understanding. She understands how I feel like nobody else does, and always try her very best to make me happy. From love packages to get well gifts, Vans shoes to superman tee, and not to forget the wonderful memories she had engraved in my life.

I thank her for staying by my side even though things are not gonna be easy for us in the future. I will definitely not let her down, I will continue to love her so much and be the best person she will ever need in her life. Trust me, I love you Feeza.

I want to be happier and I am confident that it will happen. I am gonna excel in work, giving my family and Gf the life they deserve. And hopefully when I returns to bloggin the next time, the next post, I have done it.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Long time no post. Its been like months. Things have changed, times have passed and i think im happy the way things are now.

This is a post for the new year, 2010.
some major happenings:

1. I found a loving gf :)
2. To have Tim join me back like good old days.
3. Started a business, ended a business.
4. Quit lame streetwear.
5. Met many new friends.

As usual, my blog is always meant for rantings and for my own records of happenings. I dun give shit even if theres no readers, cos im a reader of my own writings.

Tats the end of this random post, got work in 3 hrs time. gotta bounce. LOVE TUE

Friday, January 1, 2010

Same place, same date. New Year, new start. I love you so much :)

Thursday, December 3, 2009

It din work out again :(

I need to persevere. I know shes gonna be the girl of my life. Its time to do something for myself.